Fine Tooth Comb

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9


Wow.  Yesterday's post was a hard one for sure.  I cried (wept) a lot while writing it, allowing tears to fall, which I rarely do.  I'm not sure why I hold them in like I do.  It's silly really.  But, as I moved through the rest of my day, I found my mood to be foul.  I'd poked the bear, so to speak, and I'm not a fan of that.  Who is?


This morning as I woke and went to my "meet with Jesus chair", I began to pray;  what's this all about Lord, what's the feeling, that as I explore it, sends me to....well anything that might possible mask the pain it causes me.  I believe the word to describe that painful feeling, is shame. 


No one had a clue what to tell us to expect of our baby.  Would she live?:  Possibly.  Maybe even for years.  Would she die?:  Possibly; much the way her sister had.  There were no answers, so we just tried to settle in to this vague new reality. 


It was really difficult for both Brett and I to connect to Eadie Joy. The previous and prospective loss proved just too much.  Our "vessels" had severe cracks and we were leaking like sieves; faltering under the pressure of heavy sorrow and fear.  Thankfully, I was nursing Eadie which I'm convinced was the only thing that kept me as close as I dared be to her.  Unlike Josie's little life where we really embraced every moment, Eadie's life resembled a process we had to get through.  Looking back now I am so mad at myself for not forcing my mind and my body to stay in the moment with her, to be present for her, but I just couldn't.  And THAT my friends is where my shame comes from.


Shame is not life giving, I think we can all agree.  Shame is ugly, and messy, and in this case, it leaves me...embarrassed.  How sick is THAT?  I want it out of me.  I want to go through all the emotion and "ick" with a fine tooth comb; name it and claim it; because it's keeping me from being the me I am called to be.  Somehow I just don't think it's that simple.


As I chose the verse for today, I went back and read all of 2 Corinthians 12, and then proceeded to move over to Acts to remind myself of just who Paul (still called Saul at this time until his conversion in Acts 9) had been.  Saul was a REALLY bad guy.  A tyrant, back when the word tyrant didn't get thrown around save for those who really were.  He was very scary and very efficient at what he saw was his "calling"; to kill every disciple of Jesus.  Yet, you see no glimpse of this once tyrant when you look into that intimate moment in 2 Corinthians where Paul talks to the people of Corinth about his faults, his lacking, and the awesome "covering of all THAT" power of Christ .  Thank God for Jesus, right?  I desire to get this.  I mean, really get it.  I understand the words, but I desire to apply this amazing grace, to the space where Eadie Joy lives in me.


I remember so very little of those first few weeks with Eadie at home, and I cannot find ANY pictures to remind me besides the ones taken at a studio in town.  Thank you God for those precious images, those precious moments as a family. 


{images can be found on facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/mcleod.fit/}