The Freakin Happiest Place On Earth?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11


In the Spring of 2009, my mother in law took us to Disneyland.  The concept was awesome; have some fun.  I think we were able to do that, at least as far as I can remember...  But, I also remember being VERY distracted.


Warning to all those who've experienced pregnancy, or infant loss and plan to ever go to Disneyland: there are tons and tons of baby's there.  Who knew.  Not only are there tons and tons of baby's there, but there are millions of ways to make bringing baby's to Disneyland really easy; "stroller parking"??  I had honestly never even seen this when I would have needed it for A or G, but it was EVERYWHERE, along with any other form of infant convenience you could imagine.  It was smack in my face, and it sucked.


I was having fun, but what I really wanted was to have my baby in my arms, and since that wasn't an option, I wanted a baby in my arms.  I wanted to feel her weight that belonged there.  The lack of it has got to be one of the worst feelings ever felt.  Foreign even, like you're always forgetting something.  But, I was focused too because our doctors had given us the go ahead, stating that what happened with Josie Faith had been a "fluke".  We had been trying but it wasn't happening fast enough, as if this would heal all wounds.


This is the part where I began to indulge in anger at other moms who've gotten to have as many babies as their little hearts desire.  Can you still hear some distain in my voice?  Yah, we're workin' on that, and it's crazy that this started so early, because this story gets REALLY LONG, and that's just a whole lotta bitter.  But, I'm willing to bet there are many brokenhearted moms out there who know exactly what I'm talking about, not to mention hopeful moms who've, for whatever reason, been unable to conceive, or carry a baby to term.  I cannot imagine, and for your pain, I am so sorry.  I hate that you have to carry around that heart's desire and have, what you do not have, smack in your face, everywhere you go, forget Disneyland, just step out your front door.


I don't believe these feelings come from a place of ill-will, but rather from our humanity, or worse (worse is the wrong word....more importantly?  Something that carries more weight and heart...you get my drift I'm sure...) our innate desire to mother.  I don't think we do it on purpose, but hurting people hurt people.  Our only hope there, for this human-ness, is faith.  Faith in the Holy Spirit who lives in you if you've asked Him to.  He changes lives.  Not over night, but over time...and faith in the plan.  The real plan.  Don't mistake what I am saying here, the plan is not to lose children (and other horrible things that go down every. Single. Day.), but we live in a fallen world that is full of sin that begets sin that begets sin etc.  This brokenness breeds sorrow and more brokenness.  You have a lover of your soul, but you also have a hater of your soul and he has come to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10).  Fight that, no matter what.