The Healing House

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3


Oh how I adore these words.  Such hope.  Such promise.


I remember reading this passage shortly after losing Eadie and being full of such doubt.  We had been, what I like to describe as: hit square in the face with a baseball bat, twice.  These hope-filled words surely cannot be meant for us.  God's got it out for this family, and I don't know why. 


What happened to us, caused the holy triune to fracture in my traumatized mind.  I hated God.  He was supposed to be my Heavenly Father.  He, after all, had the ability to heal our girls, to deliver us from the path we were asked to walk.  He could have taken the cup we were asked to drink.  He did not.  Yet, I clung to Jesus; white knuckles on His sturdy, loving shoulders, but also the desire to push Him away; trapped in a push-pull space with him for years.  The Holy Spirit; quiet to my deaf ears, to my aching soul.  It was a very dark and unsure place.  Knocked so low that I could almost feel the enemy's foot on my throat as he wreaked havoc on our lives, in our marriage.  Trapped in this new reality and deathly afraid it's were we would stay, where I would stay.  We were unrecognizable.  I was unrecognizable.


We ended up moving to a new house, one closer to town and selling our old house to my mother in law.  Turns out, it was a great move for our family.  I find it hard to believe that simply getting out of that environment helped  lead us toward healing, but I do believe it was part of God's plan.  We brought quite a bit of "baggage" with us, of course, but it's where we began to have some pretty amazing breakthroughs (on your own they're called breakthroughs, but as a couple, they are also sometimes called fights, ha, ha) which started with making the choice to trust God again.  How could we not.  We had A and G running around in their little, sweet worlds and without God, it'd be like asking them to walk a tight rope without a net.  No way.  Could not do it.  Would not do it without Him.  The alternative is NOT better.  It wasn't easy. Just being physically touched, by anyone, was hard enough, not to mention being spiritually touched, but slowly and surely, we allowed Him to go to work on the recessed, hidden places of pain that we had carried for well over four years.


God also had some serious work to do in ME, specifically in the baby department.  I had my mind so set and twisted over why I had lost two babies and how I wanted redemption so badly in the form of a "third" child that I, at times, felt crazy, desperate.  The day that twisted mind heap was lifted from me was amazing.  It had been so heavy and so distracting.  I was finally free to be present again.  Free to see some beauty as the ashes began to blow away.