My Way

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
Isaiah 55:8


We had been trying for baby number four for about three months (which was not very long at all, but I had never had trouble getting pregnant, and with our loss...things were...loaded), and after our trip to Disneyland, I went into overdrive in the baby making department.  Sounds like fun, right?  Wrong.  If you've ever been desperate (try hell bent) for a baby, you know that the process is not fun for anyone involved.  It's stressful and full of control, and usually many tears and lots of arguing.  It robs both parents of the beauty of the life making process (there's that brokenness again and the enemy coming up on top by stealing joy; destroying beauty...he sucks).


But, because my husband is who he is, he was very patient with me and sort of allowed me to get nuts, and be nuts with desire for another baby; like, now.  We had gotten clearance from our doctors pretty much right away after losing Josie, mainly because, as I mentioned before, there were no signs of "why" our baby had been born with no brain.  This is where they used that term "fluke".  It went something like this:  "What happened to your baby was just a fluke, a crossing of wires during the process of development that just happens some times, and although we cannot find where those wires crossed, you guys will be fine.  You have two healthy children and if you want to try for another baby, you have our blessing."  I'm not telling you this because I blame our doctors for what happens, but because I want to explain where we were mentally.  We wanted to raise a third child and they wanted that for us as well.


Emotionally, must I say it, we were not well.  Obviously, we were all pretty shell shocked and grieving.  Thankfully, I had enough wear withal to get some help with processing the loss of our baby girl, and that counseling help me a lot.  But, if you know anything about me, you know that I have an obnoxious tenacity, and when I sink my teeth in, things are gonna go my way.  Period.  And although I believe fully that God gave me this specific personality trait on purpose, I have a love/hate relationship with this part of me for sure.


By the end of April 2009, I was pregnant for the 4th time.